why do i always fall for guys that move away and make it almost impossible for me to be with.i'm sick and tired of long distance damnit.i just want to hold the person i want to when i want and not have to wait and plan and drive fucking three hours to do it.shit.on a better note,my new puppy is adorable and healthy and has completely stolen my heart.i won my bet with josh and now he owes me a pint and things are looking up.

 i think it's pretty bad that there are people out there that don't even really realize what they do to people.i think i'm one of them sometimes.i'm not a hypocrite so i can admit fault.but lately there are some people who are really suprising me.you think you know something but you really have no idea.oh well.i'm done trying to understand things.i'm just gonna let things roll as they will and see how it turns out.i'm ready to have my apartment.

 falling hard

 i move out on wed! i'm so excited.i'm not coming home though.i'm going to johnson city with ryan to meet his family and stay there until friday then were coming back here for my bros graduation and then i'm going back to johnson city until the weekends over and then i'll finally be back in clarksville.i'm so excited but i'm nervous to meet his parents too.i like him a lot and even though he lives alittle far away were going to do this.i'm going to visit him as much as possible and he will too so we'll be good.he's completely worth it =) i'm so excited for this summer

 i'm packing up my dorm to go ahead and bring a ton of stuff back when i come home wed for my birthday.it's really sad how bare my room looks compared to how colorful it looked before.i got my first birthday card from my nana and papa today and it was really sweet.i miss them so much,i'm going to visit this summer for alittle while.i don't know what i'm doing next year,i want to get an apartment but don't have any clue as to roommates or anything.blehhh.my lips are dry and i'm flushed from being in the sun earlier.wooo

 i'mdr ungk.and i want love.i want a guy taht will do anyhting to make me smile snd be happy.i want a fairytyla and i'm a dumb bitch for wahting that.ill never get it.fuck yo and fuck guys.i just want to be drunk all the time and just forerg everything.i hate m el life righ tnow.i want happiness.fuckkkkk hahahahahah

 my life is going so much different than i thought it would.haha.only a select few people know whats going on and i'm nervous and excited at the same time.it's going to be very different and i'm not really sure what to do or expect or what i want.i kind of want to do things differently this time but i don't really know where to start,haha.kjsdhfga.goodness.

 i fucking hate the hospital and stupid bitches that think they know what they're talking about but they really really don't.fuck you and you're assumptions.shove them up your ass and worry about something else other than my life,thanksss! 

 i really hate the cold.especially when it's warm and sunny one day and cold and rainy the very next.make up your mind already.i hope it's nice for my birthday weekend.a lot of suprise things are popping up and it's making things very interesting around here,haha.girls are full of some drama,it's kind of funny to sit back and watch how it all unfolds when you're not in it.i need sleep and vitamins.still dead from being deahtly ill saturday and running on very little sleep.i hate working but i love the money so it's worth it.goodnight.

i got into the worst fight ive ever been in with a guy last night.
i was drunk as fuck and we were shouting at the top of our lungs in eachothers faces and then somehow i got popped in the mouth and  def punched him in the face.johny and penelope broke it up.it was the craziest experience of my life.

the thug party was amazing though and i loved being drunk and dancing in my ghetto outfit haha

 so i just woke up.i've been sick as a dog all of yesterday.this morning at like 3 something my fever was really bad.it took me 3 hours to break it and get back to sleep and now i'm finally awake and i feel so drained and hungry.i've never had to take care of myself when i was sick,i always had someone with me and it sucked..i thought i was never gonna get my fever down.i'm all sweaty and gross and need a shower

 i'm sick.

i think it's odd that i can feel so sure of one thing and in the blink of an eye decide something totally different.
i'm floating around not really understanding anything anymore.
i don't know who i am or what i want.
you hurt me really bad but he picked me up,yet again.
i will never again put my trust in someone that i feel in my heart doesn't deserve it,atleast i hope that i have the ability to decide who that is.
it amazes me that something can be right there in your face and yet you don't realize it until one day you just wake up and it just hits you and you can just spin from the thought of it.
i hope this feeling stays with me since it never does.
i feel like i'm incapable of truly loving someone.
i fee like i can't really let someone get that close to me because of my fears and trust issues.
i blame my family.
i'm not happy,in general.
it hurts me to see my friends hurt and i wish i could just make everyones lives better.
i feel really lost.
it's early in the morning and i can't sleep and i'm rambling but i just needed to write.
i feel like i have no passion,except when it comes to him.
he squeezes his way into my life somehow again and again over time and always fixes me and i just leave and hurt him.
i'm selfish.
i want to give up that part of me that holds onto all the bad stuff and prevents me from moving on and being happy and letting myself love and be loved.
distance tortures me but i sincerely agree that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
i want to need and be needed.
i need passion,a reason to get up smiling and go to bed ready for the next day.
i don't know where i'm at in life or where i'm going and my head hurts with all the possibilities.
i want what i want,if i even knew what that was.
i hate who i am and i wish i could be so much better.

 so i'm torn between coming home next year and possibly getting an apartment with someone? or staying here and getting an apartment with christina and megan,it's a good location,nice apartment and would only be about 380 a month.good deal! buttt,i just don't know what i want.i feel like i'm alittle more grounded this year but i'm not sure.i can't decide at all.so many things are splitting my decision but i just need to decide.i think i want to stay.

 on a happier note.
my class schedule is amazing.
my webcam works and i love being able to see him and talk to him.
i hate that i can't touch him but it's better than nothing.
he's so cute,haha.
oidfgdf

 you are so fucking stupid.if you're on academic probation and you have to bring your gpa up then it's not really the smartest thing to be going out the FIRST FUCKING DAY OF CLASSES,you dumb bitch.i hope you shape up and realize college is not just about going to "cool" parties and getting drunk and dancing on some hot guy,it's about getting a fucking education.YOU PAY TO BE HERE SO START FUCKING ACTING LIKE IT MATTERS TO YOU.you either need to realize that or go ahead and just fucking flunk out whore.

 its really starting to bug me that everyone keeps saying why they don't understand why me and skye are talking,so many people tell me and him all the time that they can't see us talking to eachother,is it because of me? i mean damn,how am i supposed to take that as nothing but an insult to me? i like him a lot and he is so good to me.he never lets me pay for anything and i hate it but i love it esp since in previous relationships i always paid for everything.we've been play fighting back and forth about him letting me actually pay to take him out for his birthday,he doesn't want to let me.AND,he opens every single door for me,always.and he doesn't do it in an omg i wish this cheesy guy would stop,it's just him.i don' t know.i just don't understand why us talking is so confusing to people?

 so i love how you tell me we're going to hang out and that you'll call me so i get my sick,hungover ass up and shower and try to make myself look cute so we can have a good night together and you text me and tell me you're going to be too drunk to hang out with me on christmas.that's awesome,thanks so much.

 so last night i opened my presents and got some good stuff.
thank you erin! haha,those underwear were cracking my drunk ass up last night.

soooo,i got shitty as hell last night.
skye got a free bottle of crown from his boss and i killed it and then i was taking shots of tequila at juices.
i was FUCKED UP.
i don't remember anything but apparently we got into a huge fight and i passed out as his house and woke up this morning and had no idea what was going on,haha.i feel like shit.i'm sitting here in my new pjs and his skull hoodie messing with my new webcam he got me.
i like him  a lot.i'm going to miss him so bad when i have to go home.this sucks.i hate that i got so drunk last night.i didn't even mean too.
i hope everyone liked what i got them.i'm going to drink some coffee and mess with my presents some more.merry christmas everybody.

 i think you're hilarious.

you need to shut your fucking mouth before i beat the shit out of you.the world does  not revolve around you and my actions are not based on what you would think or feel so get the fuck over it.i should have beat the shit out of you when i got in your face the other night,you're lucky me and brittney didn't follow through because you piss me the fuck off.you're no good to anyone,not even yourself.grow the fuck up and get a fucking life you dumb prick.


dinner and the hot tub tonight<333